Friends
October 9, 2010 2 Comments
I once went to a wedding where the groom announced, “And now Her (his new wife) friends are my friends.” He said it so confidently, like it was FACT. But is it true? Granted, I’m not married, but I am living with my significant other…so for now we will pretend it’s the same thing. But back to the issue, do my boyfriend and I have to have the same friends? Do my friends have to be his friends and vice versa? We already share an apartment, dishes, furniture, chores (in theory, but that’s another post) do we have to share our friends too? When you are living in sin (or married) is there anything that can be just yours and yours alone? I’m not talking about having secret rendez-vous, but what about a good old fashioned ladies night? A girls night (or day) out? Is that allowed?
Also, a more serious issue… what if you don’t like each others friends? I’m not saying the whole crew, but there is always the one that is a bit… how should we say.. a bit much. The BM, for short. You know exactly who I am talking about. Your girl who’s favorite topic is the lack of eligible black men and wants everyone and anyone around to listen to her list of grievances on the subject, or his friend that sits a little too close and whose hugs seems to last just a few seconds too long. The BMs. Do they really have to be your friends? Do you have to hang out with them, more than say the occasional party with enough people to duck and hide behind so that you don’t have to spend more than a few moments with The BM without looking like you are avoiding them. It’s a tricky line to attempt to navigate. If a relationship is all about compromise, what’s the compromise here? Who has to give up something? And what what does that person have to give up?
Living in Sin (Harlem Edition) 
I’m so glad you addressed the BMs…it’s hard to explain to your sig other why you don’t want them hanging around your own friends (or his/her friends) without insinuating that something is wrong with your friendships or the person. Included in that BM category is the homie you love to hang out with, but would NEVER bring their man/woman stealing selves around your own sig other.
So I agree, you don’t HAVE to be friends with the sig other’s friends and vice versa, but it is important for both parties to make an effort to have some type of relationship with the friends just as it is with the sig other’s parents. There needs to be a healthy separation, but it also makes planning events, gatherings, and birthday parties for you so much easier 🙂
I think the question of whether one party has to make a sacrifice is interesting. Does the significant other have to hang out with the BM, or, in the extreme, does the BM have to go? Are some friends just going to have to get cut? What if his homeboys don’t like you? Is it the call of a good friend to be buddy-buddy with their friend’s significant other?
Or what if his homegirls really like him? In addition to the BMs, there are the WannaBes…i.e. they wannabewithyourman. They are, e.g. the cute girl who is your man’s friend who points out the bad things you do because they actually want to be his girl. Or they’re your “just friends” friend but they’re secretly plotting on you, hoping one day you’ll wake up singing Usher’s You Make Me Wanna. I think they actually have to go in order for the relationship to work, but if the relationship is new, is it worth losing a friendship?